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St. Louis Spirit Press
Barnabus Suicane sits in one of the resplendent luxury suits overlooking the field at Busch Stadium. The grass is dull from the effects of a harsher than usual Missouri winter, the sky gray with the threat of more such weather.
But Barnabus is used to these types of conditions. For the past 13 years he's called Moscow his home.
"When I was 21 I had a dream, that dream was a girl named Svletena and 11 of her friends."
On their 21st birthday, he and his twin brother Joey split an inheritance of $3.5 Billion dollars. Both had dreams, both fulfilled them.
"Joey got involved in the IFL. My love was womens basketball. So I went to Russia and bought a majority interest in the Raging Red Lady Ruskies" Barnabus reflects between puffs on his cigar. "I imagined I would grow old and die in Moscow. It's so beautifull, so seedy, so full of life. I did not think I'd be back here. Not under these circumstances".
The circumstances, as they are know and as far as Barnabus is willing to discuss, are these. On January 31st 2015, following the Imperial Bowl, at a party in downtown Las Vegas, surveilance camera caught the morbid and fascinating last known public appearance of Joey Suicane. Throwing thousand dollar bills in the air and screaming profanities, Joey was cornered by security and fled the scene screaming "DO YOU KNOW THE REAL LADY GAGA?!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE THAT LITTLE BI SEXUAL WHATEVERMACALLIT!!!" Witnessess outside the Palms De Flagreto Hotel Casino and Bull Riding Ampitheatre say that after he ran out the front door he offered $53,000 to a stranger to call his head coach up and tell him he was fired.
"It was strange", lamented Bob Bobberson on Grovers Grove Illinios, in Vegas for a widget convention and buffett. "This guy came running out in Air Jordans and a top hat and nothing else. He handed me a wad of cash and a piece of paper with a phone number on it. He told me to call that number and tell the jerkoff on the other end that he was fired, that Lou Holtz was gonna be the new coach of the Cardinals. Then he ran a few feet and turned around and told me not to tell him the part about Lou Holtz, cause he wanted Lou to come with him to Isreal and be his grandpa for a year. Then he just ran off into the night."
That was the last time anyone has seen Joey Suicane.
3 weeks later Barnabus flew into St. Louis to meet with the teams shareholders. A month after that a judge gave Joeys ownership of the team to Barnabus under the agreement the two of them made in each of their respective wills that should something happen to the one of them, the other would take on all their assets.
"I know my brothers out there somewhere, bedding women in Katmandu or smoking hash in Timbuktu. When he comes back i'll be glad to step aside", Barnabus says as he views video of the teams prospective new cheerleaders.
In his short time in control of the Cardinals Barnabus has made sweeping changes. A new GM and a new coach highlite his philosophy of change. "Joey did great work initialy, he was vibrant and full of vigor, but over the past few years the rigors of this job had taken their toll. He called me after the 2014 season from a bathtub in Waterford Falls Wisconsin telling me about this awesome gay couple he met at a diner there and that no matter how hard he tried he'd never find that kind of love with the Indigo Girls. He admited he was smoking something called Donkey Opium. What the hell is that?"
As the draft approaches Barnabus and his new front office sit in their war room, already having acquired a young QB whom they envision as the heir apparent to Mark McMurray, he sees a bright future ahead for both the Cardinals and their fans.
Barnabus Suicane sits in one of the resplendent luxury suits overlooking the field at Busch Stadium. The grass is dull from the effects of a harsher than usual Missouri winter, the sky gray with the threat of more such weather.
But Barnabus is used to these types of conditions. For the past 13 years he's called Moscow his home.
"When I was 21 I had a dream, that dream was a girl named Svletena and 11 of her friends."
On their 21st birthday, he and his twin brother Joey split an inheritance of $3.5 Billion dollars. Both had dreams, both fulfilled them.
"Joey got involved in the IFL. My love was womens basketball. So I went to Russia and bought a majority interest in the Raging Red Lady Ruskies" Barnabus reflects between puffs on his cigar. "I imagined I would grow old and die in Moscow. It's so beautifull, so seedy, so full of life. I did not think I'd be back here. Not under these circumstances".
The circumstances, as they are know and as far as Barnabus is willing to discuss, are these. On January 31st 2015, following the Imperial Bowl, at a party in downtown Las Vegas, surveilance camera caught the morbid and fascinating last known public appearance of Joey Suicane. Throwing thousand dollar bills in the air and screaming profanities, Joey was cornered by security and fled the scene screaming "DO YOU KNOW THE REAL LADY GAGA?!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE THAT LITTLE BI SEXUAL WHATEVERMACALLIT!!!" Witnessess outside the Palms De Flagreto Hotel Casino and Bull Riding Ampitheatre say that after he ran out the front door he offered $53,000 to a stranger to call his head coach up and tell him he was fired.
"It was strange", lamented Bob Bobberson on Grovers Grove Illinios, in Vegas for a widget convention and buffett. "This guy came running out in Air Jordans and a top hat and nothing else. He handed me a wad of cash and a piece of paper with a phone number on it. He told me to call that number and tell the jerkoff on the other end that he was fired, that Lou Holtz was gonna be the new coach of the Cardinals. Then he ran a few feet and turned around and told me not to tell him the part about Lou Holtz, cause he wanted Lou to come with him to Isreal and be his grandpa for a year. Then he just ran off into the night."
That was the last time anyone has seen Joey Suicane.
3 weeks later Barnabus flew into St. Louis to meet with the teams shareholders. A month after that a judge gave Joeys ownership of the team to Barnabus under the agreement the two of them made in each of their respective wills that should something happen to the one of them, the other would take on all their assets.
"I know my brothers out there somewhere, bedding women in Katmandu or smoking hash in Timbuktu. When he comes back i'll be glad to step aside", Barnabus says as he views video of the teams prospective new cheerleaders.
In his short time in control of the Cardinals Barnabus has made sweeping changes. A new GM and a new coach highlite his philosophy of change. "Joey did great work initialy, he was vibrant and full of vigor, but over the past few years the rigors of this job had taken their toll. He called me after the 2014 season from a bathtub in Waterford Falls Wisconsin telling me about this awesome gay couple he met at a diner there and that no matter how hard he tried he'd never find that kind of love with the Indigo Girls. He admited he was smoking something called Donkey Opium. What the hell is that?"
As the draft approaches Barnabus and his new front office sit in their war room, already having acquired a young QB whom they envision as the heir apparent to Mark McMurray, he sees a bright future ahead for both the Cardinals and their fans.
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