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Tart Speaks Out
By Jimmy Somelove
Could there be trouble in Salt Lake? Recent trade shopping of star running back James Tart would lead one to believe that things are indeed out of order. Leave it to me, Jimmy Somelove, to get you the exclusive information behind all of this.
How? Well it had nothing to do with my keen reporting skills or stealth journalism. I had just laid down to rest after a hard days work and my cell phone rang....
"Jimmy? This is James Tart. I got to clear up some things man." I asked him to give me a second to get my journal, he obliged.
"I want to go on the record right now with this, Jimmy. It was me that asked to be traded. Coach Palmeteer was only doing what he thought would make me happy man", Tart explained.
“JT what do you have to be unhappy about?” I countered. Tart was silent for a while and then I heard something that caught me totally off guard. Tart, one of the toughest running backs in the IFL, the Offensive Player of the Year, started LAUGHING. “Jimmy, it was that damned Bobbi Dallis, man. I really thought that I had lost my swagger man.” She was literally sucking the life out of my game, added Tart.
“Sure I’m catching the rock better this year but I couldn’t find my legs and it was costing my team man. James Tart is a lot of things Jimmy---playa, pimp, gigolo, hell I’m an asshole---but I’m a soldier man. I pride myself in ‘bringing-it’ every time I put on that crimson #31 jersey.” crooned Tart.
“When Coach Palmeteer expressed his concern for my lack of production, I snapped and demanded a trade instead of taking the time to reflect on what he was saying. He was right.” admitted Tart. “My off-the-field antics had gone too far and I didn’t want to admit that it was primarily the fling with Ms. Dallis that had gotten me into that funk.
“To his credit, Coach did what I asked him to do and damn-near traded me to Newark! I know Bryce Tan hired somebody to rough up my agent and the proper paperwork never got processed ( I briefly reminded James that his suspicion must be printed as ‘allegedly hired’ but he told me the interview would be over if I didn’t use HIS words). But that’s ok Jimmy.”
Once the trade didn’t go through, Coach convinced me to lay off the coochie for two weeks and sure enough I got 100 yards on the ground two weeks in a row—hell I caught 7 balls for 74 yards and rushed for like 150 [editor: 109—JT skews things at times] in that game against the Toads. So I think I’m back man---and who knows; if I can keep this up maybe I can hold out for more money in the off-season---I mean I AM THE BEST BACK IN THE GAME.”
I countered quickly and reminded “Sweet” that Morris Clay leads the league in rushing right now. He chuckled and replied “Who bitch?” before the phone line gave up the familiar tone signaling that he'd hung up---JS
By Jimmy Somelove
Could there be trouble in Salt Lake? Recent trade shopping of star running back James Tart would lead one to believe that things are indeed out of order. Leave it to me, Jimmy Somelove, to get you the exclusive information behind all of this.
How? Well it had nothing to do with my keen reporting skills or stealth journalism. I had just laid down to rest after a hard days work and my cell phone rang....
"Jimmy? This is James Tart. I got to clear up some things man." I asked him to give me a second to get my journal, he obliged.
"I want to go on the record right now with this, Jimmy. It was me that asked to be traded. Coach Palmeteer was only doing what he thought would make me happy man", Tart explained.
“JT what do you have to be unhappy about?” I countered. Tart was silent for a while and then I heard something that caught me totally off guard. Tart, one of the toughest running backs in the IFL, the Offensive Player of the Year, started LAUGHING. “Jimmy, it was that damned Bobbi Dallis, man. I really thought that I had lost my swagger man.” She was literally sucking the life out of my game, added Tart.
“Sure I’m catching the rock better this year but I couldn’t find my legs and it was costing my team man. James Tart is a lot of things Jimmy---playa, pimp, gigolo, hell I’m an asshole---but I’m a soldier man. I pride myself in ‘bringing-it’ every time I put on that crimson #31 jersey.” crooned Tart.
“When Coach Palmeteer expressed his concern for my lack of production, I snapped and demanded a trade instead of taking the time to reflect on what he was saying. He was right.” admitted Tart. “My off-the-field antics had gone too far and I didn’t want to admit that it was primarily the fling with Ms. Dallis that had gotten me into that funk.
“To his credit, Coach did what I asked him to do and damn-near traded me to Newark! I know Bryce Tan hired somebody to rough up my agent and the proper paperwork never got processed ( I briefly reminded James that his suspicion must be printed as ‘allegedly hired’ but he told me the interview would be over if I didn’t use HIS words). But that’s ok Jimmy.”
Once the trade didn’t go through, Coach convinced me to lay off the coochie for two weeks and sure enough I got 100 yards on the ground two weeks in a row—hell I caught 7 balls for 74 yards and rushed for like 150 [editor: 109—JT skews things at times] in that game against the Toads. So I think I’m back man---and who knows; if I can keep this up maybe I can hold out for more money in the off-season---I mean I AM THE BEST BACK IN THE GAME.”
I countered quickly and reminded “Sweet” that Morris Clay leads the league in rushing right now. He chuckled and replied “Who bitch?” before the phone line gave up the familiar tone signaling that he'd hung up---JS
:withstupid:
<---- Looks like a tampon escaped and caught fire.
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