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Today we sit with the first guest in our ever-growing segment Better Know an IFL District!, Chris Rex.
Chris is the leader of Montreal's Firebird district: The Fightin' Firebirds!!
SC: Let's start with where it all starts: The quarterback position. Now I must admit that I don't see people as "quarterbacks", "linemen", or what have you. I don't label like that. My football friends tell me and I take their word for it. But I understand you were blessed with both a great young'n and an old Captain of the Championship Seas this off-season. What gives?
CR: Well, I have to admit, I suppose this is a little bit of overkill. After going the last few seasons with a backup QB as a starter, and with the 'World Illuminati update' deciding that defense was no longer very viable, we had to try SOMETHING. Taking a cue from our cousins in the NFL, we pulled our own 'Favre' trade: replacing an accurate but weak armed QB with someone on his last leg. Errrrr. i didn't say that last part. Strike that. Never said it.
SC: Some would say Bobby Osbourne's lost a step and isn't willing to work as hard as some of these young RBs coming into the IFL. What say you?
CR: I don't think its that so much as... well... lets just say that the same 'world illuminati' that decided Defenses would no longer be as effective also decided that Mr Osbourne and his RB counterparts would also lose a bit of a step.
You simply cannot fight the Illuminati.
I didn't say that. Strike that.
SC: Switching gears...
SC: Your defense is scary. I mean that. I'm scared right now sitting with you seeing some of them behind you in the crowd. I'm not even sure that I've posed a question. I'm just really nervous right now.
CR: Rapists, killers, and... err... forgers. We have all kinds of deviants. You cannot play defense for this team unless you have killed, maimed, raped, or committed tax fraud.
SC: Who are the 2014 Firebirds?
CR: Again, this goes back to my conspiracy theory. The 2012 Firebirds almost made the playoffs on the strength of Defense and careful if unspectacular QB play. All of a sudden, the Illuminati gets together and this SAME Defense... having been together an additional year and given time to jell... inexplicably falls apart and gives up double the points and gets half as many sacks in 2013 as they did in 2012.
Considering that the SAME defense is still intact, I expect a bounce back to 2012... but as well all know (wink wink) there are forces out there that will not let our defense be a factor. We have essentially become victims of our own 'success' - build a better mousetrap and they will cripple it and introduce faster mice.
Do I sound paranoid?
Best case scenario is that our new QB gives us an actual offense for once in our lives, and our D plays to its 2012 level. If that happens, hell may freeze over and the F-birds may ACTUALLY make the playoffs. We should get a trophy if we simply achieve THAT.
SC: We're unaware of any Firebird rivalries. Is that because there aren't any?
CR: It's hard to have a rival when you have 1 winning season in your existence. This team does not deserve a good rivalry till we prove we can be a steady contender. I thought we were on our way last year until the preseason, when the Illuminati...(interrupting) SC: There's been multiple attempts to improve the IFL this off-season yet you've built the 2nd highest ranked team using the exploits of old. What do you say to this?
CR: Again, let's look at the facts:
Last year, I had a 'top ranked' team and finished 4-12.
These numbers will drop incredibly once I drop a few heartbreakers.
I have never 'ridiculously overbid' for a free agent.
I could not possibly bid on any blockbuster free agents due to my salary cap situation.
All of the high end players on my roster, most on defense, were from trades or the draft.
Not one of my players in overpaid for his lot in life, yet I am pressed against the cap. Once renewals for larger salaries come up, I am in a world of hurt.
If signing my own players and making wise trades is against the law, take me away.
(thinks) Now theyre going to screw me with again. You know... THEM.
Thankfully, running my team this way has translated into many years of suc... of... (sigh) ... of sucking.
SC: I accept your apology!
SC: Before we leave. If you could stand in front of the IFL and make one insightful point. What would it be?
CR: I have TWO points to make:
1- 'Peacock' should not be a word, the same way 'shootgun' should not be a word.
2- Offense fills seats and Defense wins championships.... except around here. Not since the Illuminati. Offense is king, and I am unfortunately the leader of a Defensive squad.
Thankfully, I have serious training in Golden Dawn Hermetic techniques and rituals...
I never said that. Strike that.
I didn't say that.
One last thing to add...
Many people thought we were nuts for trading up to get a Kicker at the beginning of the 2nd round.
Since I got here, Qb and Kicker have been like a revolving door of shit. The last few seasons he had to carry 2 kickers due to the lack of any qualified candidates. I'd like to think we may have finally stabilized two important positions for the next decade.
I am firm believer in special teams. In the last two drafts (Skipping last year, as I traded all my picks), I have chosen anchors in all phases of special teams; a great kicker, and 2 Wide Receivers whose alternate value come in the form of punt and kick returns.
Now, if I can only keep them off of heroin...
SC: Well there you have it! Our inaugural interview is over and we now turn your attention to Chris Brown and Ike Turner performing a duet rendition of "Smack My Bitch Up!"...
Chris is the leader of Montreal's Firebird district: The Fightin' Firebirds!!
SC: Let's start with where it all starts: The quarterback position. Now I must admit that I don't see people as "quarterbacks", "linemen", or what have you. I don't label like that. My football friends tell me and I take their word for it. But I understand you were blessed with both a great young'n and an old Captain of the Championship Seas this off-season. What gives?
CR: Well, I have to admit, I suppose this is a little bit of overkill. After going the last few seasons with a backup QB as a starter, and with the 'World Illuminati update' deciding that defense was no longer very viable, we had to try SOMETHING. Taking a cue from our cousins in the NFL, we pulled our own 'Favre' trade: replacing an accurate but weak armed QB with someone on his last leg. Errrrr. i didn't say that last part. Strike that. Never said it.
SC: Some would say Bobby Osbourne's lost a step and isn't willing to work as hard as some of these young RBs coming into the IFL. What say you?
CR: I don't think its that so much as... well... lets just say that the same 'world illuminati' that decided Defenses would no longer be as effective also decided that Mr Osbourne and his RB counterparts would also lose a bit of a step.
You simply cannot fight the Illuminati.
I didn't say that. Strike that.
SC: Switching gears...
SC: Your defense is scary. I mean that. I'm scared right now sitting with you seeing some of them behind you in the crowd. I'm not even sure that I've posed a question. I'm just really nervous right now.
CR: Rapists, killers, and... err... forgers. We have all kinds of deviants. You cannot play defense for this team unless you have killed, maimed, raped, or committed tax fraud.
SC: Who are the 2014 Firebirds?
CR: Again, this goes back to my conspiracy theory. The 2012 Firebirds almost made the playoffs on the strength of Defense and careful if unspectacular QB play. All of a sudden, the Illuminati gets together and this SAME Defense... having been together an additional year and given time to jell... inexplicably falls apart and gives up double the points and gets half as many sacks in 2013 as they did in 2012.
Considering that the SAME defense is still intact, I expect a bounce back to 2012... but as well all know (wink wink) there are forces out there that will not let our defense be a factor. We have essentially become victims of our own 'success' - build a better mousetrap and they will cripple it and introduce faster mice.
Do I sound paranoid?
Best case scenario is that our new QB gives us an actual offense for once in our lives, and our D plays to its 2012 level. If that happens, hell may freeze over and the F-birds may ACTUALLY make the playoffs. We should get a trophy if we simply achieve THAT.
SC: We're unaware of any Firebird rivalries. Is that because there aren't any?
CR: It's hard to have a rival when you have 1 winning season in your existence. This team does not deserve a good rivalry till we prove we can be a steady contender. I thought we were on our way last year until the preseason, when the Illuminati...(interrupting) SC: There's been multiple attempts to improve the IFL this off-season yet you've built the 2nd highest ranked team using the exploits of old. What do you say to this?
CR: Again, let's look at the facts:
Last year, I had a 'top ranked' team and finished 4-12.
These numbers will drop incredibly once I drop a few heartbreakers.
I have never 'ridiculously overbid' for a free agent.
I could not possibly bid on any blockbuster free agents due to my salary cap situation.
All of the high end players on my roster, most on defense, were from trades or the draft.
Not one of my players in overpaid for his lot in life, yet I am pressed against the cap. Once renewals for larger salaries come up, I am in a world of hurt.
If signing my own players and making wise trades is against the law, take me away.
(thinks) Now theyre going to screw me with again. You know... THEM.
Thankfully, running my team this way has translated into many years of suc... of... (sigh) ... of sucking.
SC: I accept your apology!
SC: Before we leave. If you could stand in front of the IFL and make one insightful point. What would it be?
CR: I have TWO points to make:
1- 'Peacock' should not be a word, the same way 'shootgun' should not be a word.
2- Offense fills seats and Defense wins championships.... except around here. Not since the Illuminati. Offense is king, and I am unfortunately the leader of a Defensive squad.
Thankfully, I have serious training in Golden Dawn Hermetic techniques and rituals...
I never said that. Strike that.
I didn't say that.
One last thing to add...
Many people thought we were nuts for trading up to get a Kicker at the beginning of the 2nd round.
Since I got here, Qb and Kicker have been like a revolving door of shit. The last few seasons he had to carry 2 kickers due to the lack of any qualified candidates. I'd like to think we may have finally stabilized two important positions for the next decade.
I am firm believer in special teams. In the last two drafts (Skipping last year, as I traded all my picks), I have chosen anchors in all phases of special teams; a great kicker, and 2 Wide Receivers whose alternate value come in the form of punt and kick returns.
Now, if I can only keep them off of heroin...
SC: Well there you have it! Our inaugural interview is over and we now turn your attention to Chris Brown and Ike Turner performing a duet rendition of "Smack My Bitch Up!"...
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