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Peeee-ewww, what is that smell?
These players are the worst of the worst. They are overpaid, underperforming, and should probably play in a Total Pro Football league instead.
FUNKY CHICKEN'S ALL-STINK TEAM (THE OFFENSE)
QB - Dennis Colella, Vancouver
You gets the honor of being stinkier than the likes of Manuel Willoughby and Mark McMurray, who at least has won an Imperial Bowl and brought his team to the playoffs. Not only you lead the IFL in career interceptions with 82, but you also has the worst completion percentage of any quarterback who has started more than 40 games. Buy some deodorant the next time you're at Walmart. You stink!
RB - Jerry Daugherty, Orlando
But I got 1,000 yards my first season? I don't care, you stink. Cristian Guzman could get 3.5 yards a carry in the IFL and he can play shortstop. Can you? Not only do I know that you stink, but at least two other owners do. Newark and Pittsburgh. One fumble from a 3:1 fumble/TD ratio. That reeks. Next!
FB - Sheldon Mendez, Murfreesboro
Give me money and shower me with pansy in-game awards. I'm Sheldon Mendez and FOF likes me because I have high ratings. I probably shouldn't get the ball so much because I stink. If the stench wasn't killing me I'd do the research to find out if your 2005 yards per carry of 2.86 was the worst single-season number in the history of the IFL. Instead, I'll just assume it was.
TE - Daniel Rich, Columbia
I'll admit it. There are probably tight ends out there that are stinkier than you. There is, however, no one with a cost to stinky ratio worse than yours. I don't know why anyone would want to pay you 5 million dollars. Maybe they used to go to grandma's house for Thanksgiving and she'd tell the whole family stories after dinner.. and her house stunk. Oh, the memories of such stinkiness.
WR - Kraig Marasco, Newark
I'm sure there are a myriad of excuses as to why your performances always smell. You've never had a good quarterback or you've played on run-first teams. Unfortunately for you, that doesn't explain why you always drop the ball. You're the star that never happened. I've got a little present for you. It's a brand new french vanilla Glade Plug-In. Use it!
WR - Andrew Tilley, Norfolk
There is a little technicality involved with your stinkiness. Currently, you don't have a contract. Your 1:5 TD/Drop ratio is just too bad to pass up though. Maybe it's just that you drop all of your balls in the endzone. Are those your balls in the endzone? Pick them up and maybe you wouldn't stink so much.
C - Roscoe Bridges, Murfreesboro
Wayne Rogers of Oakland leaves something to be desired, but I'll be damned if there is a stinkier center than you. Do you sleep with the fishes? You sure play like it. Maybe you and Sheldon Mendez could switch positions. I doubt you could do any worse.
G - Johnny Ingraham, Oakland
Ooooo that smell. Can't you smell that smell? The smell that blocks for youuuuuu. Memo to the Oakland owner: You're paying 6 million dollars for a guard. A guard that stinks.
G - Lowell Stubblefield, Hartford
You don't play all that much and it's probably a good thing. You can't run block and you can't pass block either. Mmmmm, I'm in the mood for some Double Stink Gum.
T - Steven Palomo, Madison
Right tackle is such a vital position if you're quarterback is left-handed like Will Irby is. Good Will should be hunting for a new lineman because you stink. Unfortunately, you are a mentor too. Madison fans can look forward to stinky tackles for many years to come.
T - Amos Barnhill, Murfreesboro
With the 13th pick of the 2004 IFL Amateur Draft, the Murfreesboro Mules select Amos 'Stinky' Barnhill. Anybody seeing a pattern here? Murfreesboro is a haven of stankiness. They should move the team to Stankonia.
These players are the worst of the worst. They are overpaid, underperforming, and should probably play in a Total Pro Football league instead.
FUNKY CHICKEN'S ALL-STINK TEAM (THE OFFENSE)
QB - Dennis Colella, Vancouver
You gets the honor of being stinkier than the likes of Manuel Willoughby and Mark McMurray, who at least has won an Imperial Bowl and brought his team to the playoffs. Not only you lead the IFL in career interceptions with 82, but you also has the worst completion percentage of any quarterback who has started more than 40 games. Buy some deodorant the next time you're at Walmart. You stink!
RB - Jerry Daugherty, Orlando
But I got 1,000 yards my first season? I don't care, you stink. Cristian Guzman could get 3.5 yards a carry in the IFL and he can play shortstop. Can you? Not only do I know that you stink, but at least two other owners do. Newark and Pittsburgh. One fumble from a 3:1 fumble/TD ratio. That reeks. Next!
FB - Sheldon Mendez, Murfreesboro
Give me money and shower me with pansy in-game awards. I'm Sheldon Mendez and FOF likes me because I have high ratings. I probably shouldn't get the ball so much because I stink. If the stench wasn't killing me I'd do the research to find out if your 2005 yards per carry of 2.86 was the worst single-season number in the history of the IFL. Instead, I'll just assume it was.
TE - Daniel Rich, Columbia
I'll admit it. There are probably tight ends out there that are stinkier than you. There is, however, no one with a cost to stinky ratio worse than yours. I don't know why anyone would want to pay you 5 million dollars. Maybe they used to go to grandma's house for Thanksgiving and she'd tell the whole family stories after dinner.. and her house stunk. Oh, the memories of such stinkiness.
WR - Kraig Marasco, Newark
I'm sure there are a myriad of excuses as to why your performances always smell. You've never had a good quarterback or you've played on run-first teams. Unfortunately for you, that doesn't explain why you always drop the ball. You're the star that never happened. I've got a little present for you. It's a brand new french vanilla Glade Plug-In. Use it!
WR - Andrew Tilley, Norfolk
There is a little technicality involved with your stinkiness. Currently, you don't have a contract. Your 1:5 TD/Drop ratio is just too bad to pass up though. Maybe it's just that you drop all of your balls in the endzone. Are those your balls in the endzone? Pick them up and maybe you wouldn't stink so much.
C - Roscoe Bridges, Murfreesboro
Wayne Rogers of Oakland leaves something to be desired, but I'll be damned if there is a stinkier center than you. Do you sleep with the fishes? You sure play like it. Maybe you and Sheldon Mendez could switch positions. I doubt you could do any worse.
G - Johnny Ingraham, Oakland
Ooooo that smell. Can't you smell that smell? The smell that blocks for youuuuuu. Memo to the Oakland owner: You're paying 6 million dollars for a guard. A guard that stinks.
G - Lowell Stubblefield, Hartford
You don't play all that much and it's probably a good thing. You can't run block and you can't pass block either. Mmmmm, I'm in the mood for some Double Stink Gum.
T - Steven Palomo, Madison
Right tackle is such a vital position if you're quarterback is left-handed like Will Irby is. Good Will should be hunting for a new lineman because you stink. Unfortunately, you are a mentor too. Madison fans can look forward to stinky tackles for many years to come.
T - Amos Barnhill, Murfreesboro
With the 13th pick of the 2004 IFL Amateur Draft, the Murfreesboro Mules select Amos 'Stinky' Barnhill. Anybody seeing a pattern here? Murfreesboro is a haven of stankiness. They should move the team to Stankonia.
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