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-Consider the Majesty That Is Chuck Norris-
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad, he has never cried.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually, "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, so it was divided.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhoused himself in the face.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "BANG!"
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the face. This event was later named the big bang theory.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do
Chuck once went sledding in New Hampshire and broke the sound barrier by turning his head around and blowing forcefully. As a result of the shock waves, several children died. Chuck ascended to heaven and repeatedly roundhouse kicked God in the face until he brought them all back to life. Every single one of those children are now scientists.
Chuck Norris actually painted all the works of Michelangelo, but lost them to Michelangelo after he bet that he could drink the entire ocean. Norris almost succeeded, but gagged on a giant squid at the last moment.
Chuck Norris once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris's erogenous zone is located on the heel of his foot. It is probable that Chuck Norris engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm while roundhouse kicking some face.
Chuck Norris does not own a television. Instead, he derives entertainment by routinely opening the Ark of the Covenant.
Chuck Norris speaks in THX certified sound.
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and never saw another thing again.
Chuck Norris can view any film in 3D without the aid of those colored glasses.
Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to roundhouse kick him.
Saying Chuck Norris backwards aloud will reverse the rotation of the Earth.
Chuck Norris once challenged Mothra to a spitting contest, and won.
Chuck Norris created the Strait Of Gibraltar roundhouse kicking the Iberian Peninsula.
Chuck Norris used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.
Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can talk into glass jars and close them, then open them to hear his own voice.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later, you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.
Chuck Norris can fly in water, swim on the ground, run in the air.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA!"
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply roundhouse kicked the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said, "NOBODY OUTSTARES CHUCK!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3-month-old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!", and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
While trekking the deserts of Africa, Chuck Norris was starving and resorted to eating large quantities of pure sand. He subsequently shit out the great pyramids of Egypt, which immediately hardened, baked by the glare from his beard. Don't ask Chuck Norris how the Sphinx happened; he doesn't take kindly to probing questions.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. By "knit," I mean, "roundhouse kick," and by "sweaters," I mean "babies."
NoritosTM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal "ass-kicking zing" advertised on the bag.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and me. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can count past infinity.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad, he has never cried.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually, "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, so it was divided.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhoused himself in the face.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "BANG!"
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the face. This event was later named the big bang theory.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do
Chuck once went sledding in New Hampshire and broke the sound barrier by turning his head around and blowing forcefully. As a result of the shock waves, several children died. Chuck ascended to heaven and repeatedly roundhouse kicked God in the face until he brought them all back to life. Every single one of those children are now scientists.
Chuck Norris actually painted all the works of Michelangelo, but lost them to Michelangelo after he bet that he could drink the entire ocean. Norris almost succeeded, but gagged on a giant squid at the last moment.
Chuck Norris once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris's erogenous zone is located on the heel of his foot. It is probable that Chuck Norris engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm while roundhouse kicking some face.
Chuck Norris does not own a television. Instead, he derives entertainment by routinely opening the Ark of the Covenant.
Chuck Norris speaks in THX certified sound.
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and never saw another thing again.
Chuck Norris can view any film in 3D without the aid of those colored glasses.
Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to roundhouse kick him.
Saying Chuck Norris backwards aloud will reverse the rotation of the Earth.
Chuck Norris once challenged Mothra to a spitting contest, and won.
Chuck Norris created the Strait Of Gibraltar roundhouse kicking the Iberian Peninsula.
Chuck Norris used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.
Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can talk into glass jars and close them, then open them to hear his own voice.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later, you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.
Chuck Norris can fly in water, swim on the ground, run in the air.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA!"
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply roundhouse kicked the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said, "NOBODY OUTSTARES CHUCK!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3-month-old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!", and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
While trekking the deserts of Africa, Chuck Norris was starving and resorted to eating large quantities of pure sand. He subsequently shit out the great pyramids of Egypt, which immediately hardened, baked by the glare from his beard. Don't ask Chuck Norris how the Sphinx happened; he doesn't take kindly to probing questions.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. By "knit," I mean, "roundhouse kick," and by "sweaters," I mean "babies."
NoritosTM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal "ass-kicking zing" advertised on the bag.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and me. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can count past infinity.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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