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(For anyone who enjoys the Deadspin 'Why Your Team' sucks articles every year, or just fans of good old fashioned self-loathing):
Sure it's only week 16, but let's put a bow on this gem of a season, with a recap of the 2038 season for YOUR Las Vegas Hookers.
Your 2038 Record (so far): 3-11, while playing the A.I. West (which includes a first-year owner and two 2nd year owners, formerly AI managed teams that should be rebuilding but instead are kicking your ass)
You probably thought this was Mario Kell's chance to start showing why he was the #1 overall pick in 2037 and a bright beacon for the future of Vegas. You also probably thought life was fair, and that you were going to have your dream job someday.
Well guess what: go fuck yourself, you stupid hooker. Mario Kell has posted the 33rd overall QB rating (67.9). That's lower than the number of starting QBs in the entire league. But how about that scrambling and running ability? Kellz leads the league in fumbles at 11. Meanwhile, Heath Armijo, the veteran you offloaded to free agency posted a top-5 QB rating in 9 games, turning around the Murfeesbro Mules' season, while guiding them to a likely playoff berth.
It's a small surprise that star wideout Randy Fife hasn't retired midseason, watching his quarterback fumble, flail and throw away every opportunity, week after week. Here's your average week of Fife-life:
While you may have heard the rowdy Vegas crowd cheering early in week 1, it was possibly just the sound of Mel Ashmore's compound leg fracture, which knocked him out for 40+ weeks. Bad news for a team still paying monthly installments to Wade Hutchins' neurologist.
Your defense staked its hopes on the star-studded d-line, who entered the year as the heart of the team, and ended it with surgeries, ice baths, shattered dreams and shattered femurs. Missing a combined 26 games and leaving street free agents in their shoes, the "best line in the game" never played a single game fully intact. Lone survivor Axel Burin anchored the defense in week 15 (3 sacks and player of the game honors), but your limp-dick offense failed to register a single score and you lost 6-0.
Your Bumbling Owner: Chris Sabean made bold offseason moves, overhauling the old incompetent coaching staff with a new incompetent head coach and coordinators on both sides of the ball. They've managed to steer this heaping garbage boat of a franchise to the 2nd worst scoring offense and worst turnover differential in the league. On the plus side, they did add a new strength coach who taught players the secret to developing worn-out joints and brittle bones.
But fear not:
"The future is bright! You can build on this! There's always next year! Trust the process! The cow jumped over the moon! I'd prefer not to!"
Sure it's only week 16, but let's put a bow on this gem of a season, with a recap of the 2038 season for YOUR Las Vegas Hookers.
Your 2038 Record (so far): 3-11, while playing the A.I. West (which includes a first-year owner and two 2nd year owners, formerly AI managed teams that should be rebuilding but instead are kicking your ass)
You probably thought this was Mario Kell's chance to start showing why he was the #1 overall pick in 2037 and a bright beacon for the future of Vegas. You also probably thought life was fair, and that you were going to have your dream job someday.
Well guess what: go fuck yourself, you stupid hooker. Mario Kell has posted the 33rd overall QB rating (67.9). That's lower than the number of starting QBs in the entire league. But how about that scrambling and running ability? Kellz leads the league in fumbles at 11. Meanwhile, Heath Armijo, the veteran you offloaded to free agency posted a top-5 QB rating in 9 games, turning around the Murfeesbro Mules' season, while guiding them to a likely playoff berth.
It's a small surprise that star wideout Randy Fife hasn't retired midseason, watching his quarterback fumble, flail and throw away every opportunity, week after week. Here's your average week of Fife-life:
While you may have heard the rowdy Vegas crowd cheering early in week 1, it was possibly just the sound of Mel Ashmore's compound leg fracture, which knocked him out for 40+ weeks. Bad news for a team still paying monthly installments to Wade Hutchins' neurologist.
Your defense staked its hopes on the star-studded d-line, who entered the year as the heart of the team, and ended it with surgeries, ice baths, shattered dreams and shattered femurs. Missing a combined 26 games and leaving street free agents in their shoes, the "best line in the game" never played a single game fully intact. Lone survivor Axel Burin anchored the defense in week 15 (3 sacks and player of the game honors), but your limp-dick offense failed to register a single score and you lost 6-0.
Your Bumbling Owner: Chris Sabean made bold offseason moves, overhauling the old incompetent coaching staff with a new incompetent head coach and coordinators on both sides of the ball. They've managed to steer this heaping garbage boat of a franchise to the 2nd worst scoring offense and worst turnover differential in the league. On the plus side, they did add a new strength coach who taught players the secret to developing worn-out joints and brittle bones.
But fear not:
"The future is bright! You can build on this! There's always next year! Trust the process! The cow jumped over the moon! I'd prefer not to!"
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